The Things We Parents Do...

The kinds of ridiculous things we have to do for our children.


1.) Bother their teachers over school vacation week to fend off a spiraling anxiety attack

JULIA: (in the middle of working on one of her creative writing endeavors) Mom?  At school, I was writing a fiction story, before our teacher said to write a "small moments" story, and I was writing about this girl who had a sleepover, and her mean stepmother made all her friends go home and then she put the girl in a chokey.  But is that violent?
ME: Mmm...maybe.
JULIA: So should I erase it?
ME: Why?
JULIA: Well, we're not allowed to write anything VIOLENT in our writing journals.
ME: Well, if you're worried about it, then you can erase it if you want.

Ten minutes later:

JULIA: (coming up to me, looking white as a ghost, as I put laundry away) Mom?  I'm gonna erase it.
ME: Okay. 
JULIA: As soon as I get back to school I'll erase it.  (looking panicked)
ME: Honey, what's wrong?
JULIA: Well, I just don't know if it's VIOLENT, and I'm afraid I'm gonna get in TROUBLE.
ME: Well, tell me more about what you wrote.
JULIA: Well, her stepmother puts her in a CHOKEY.
ME: What's a chokey?
JULIA: It's from "Matilda."  And it's, like, a closet with broken glass and stuff.  But I was making my chokey be just a closed DOOR.
ME: That doesn't sound violent, then.
JULIA: But I didn't do a definition of what my kind of chokey is.
ME: Well, you can always just add a definition when you get back to school.
JULIA: (becoming more and more tense and panicked) Well I think I should just ERASE it.  Well, I'm just not SURE if it's violent.  I'm just gonna erase it.  I don't know if I'm going to get in TROUBLE about it.  (tears prickling in her eyes)
ME: Honey, don't worry about it.  If you want, I can mention to your teacher that you're concerned about this.
JULIA: (looking like the weight of the world has been lifted from her shoulders) Okay, can you?  And just tell her that I'm not sure if I should erase it?

Ten minutes later:

JULIA: Mom? Did you tell her?
ME: Tell what?
JULIA: My teacher, about the chokey.
ME: Well, why don't I write her on the first day back to school, because she's probably enjoying her vacation with her family.
JULIA: (starting to get freak-out tears) Well, Mommy...well...well, I just feel more COMFORTABLE if you write to her right now.

So I was THAT MOM.  Who writes the teacher over the HOLIDAY BREAK to say that if she has "any concerns about Julia's writing," she should let me know.  I tried *very* hard to make it clear that I do not think this is urgent, nor do I expect her to respond until school begins, but I can't help but feel like I am now the big pain-in-the-butt helicopter mom who is unable to even give the teacher one week of peace.


2.) Shatter a kid's sweet childhood fantasy

Madeleine lost a tooth yesterday:

After I gently coaxed the tooth out of her mouth, I put it on the table so we wouldn't lose it.  Except we DID lose it.  Hours later, when Daddy was home from work, Madeleine wanted to show him the extracted tooth.  And it wasn't there.  And it was MY FAULT.  And Madeleine was inconsolable.

MADELEINE: (sobbing hysterically) Now the TOOTH FAIRY won't COME TONIIIIIIGHT!
JULIA: Madeleine!  I swallowed a ton of my teeth, and *I* still got my dollar!
ME: It doesn't matter if you have a tooth under your pillow, honey.  The tooth fairy will still know to come.
MADELEINE: (still sobbing hysterically) NO SHE WOOOOOON'T!  I NEED MY TOOOOOOOOTH!  Now I'll NEVER EVER get the tooth fairy to COOOOOOME!

No amount of words or snuggles could calm her down.  And, let's face it folks, it was nearly bedtime and I was kind of reaching my melt-down limit for the day.

ME: (charging into Madeleine's room, wherein she was sobbing in Daddy's arms) Madeleine.  There is no tooth fairy in real life.  It's just Mommy and Daddy.  And WE know you lost a tooth, so we'll make sure to put the money under your pillow.
MADELEINE: (eyeing me warily, still crying softly, but dramatically)
JULIA: (who has known the truth about the Tooth Fairy for years) Yeah, Madeleine, it's just Mommy or Daddy who puts the money under, and sometimes they BOTH put a dollar under by accident!
ME: Yeah.  And sometimes we forget.  One time Julia woke up and said, "Daddy?  You forgot to put the dollar under my pillow last night."
MADELEINE: (cracking up, forgetting her tears)

And so all was well once again.  Except for the fact that I had to crush my child's notion of the benevolent tooth fairy flitting into her bedroom at night, all for the purpose of getting her to QUIET.  THE.  HECK.  UP.  about her - literally - lost tooth.


And finally:

3.) Be brutally honest with your child for the sake of education

MADELEINE: Mama!  Look!  I drew Elsa and Anna!  And Mama, look.  It says "DISNEY!"
ME: Great!

MADELEINE: But Mama?  Does it say "Disney?"
ME: No, honey.  It says "Goko."

I mean, what else was I supposed to do?  I already spilled the beans about the Tooth Fairy.  I might as well just be honest about everything from here on out, right??