How To

We've been watching the HBO show "How To With John Wilson" as a family lately, and the episode we watched this evening was "How to Find a Parking Spot."  After comparing the need to secure an on-street parking spot for one's car to the need to have a burial plot purchased for one's body, John Wilson interviews various funeral home owners.  This takes him to a company called "Cruisin Caskets," which specializes in coffins shaped like cars.

MADELEINE: (referring to the brochure John Wilson picks up) Wait, what does that say?
ME: Car Caskets, I think...it's caskets shaped like cars.
OWNER OF BUSINESS: (on the tv) So this is Cruisin Caskets...
ME: Oh, Cruisin Caskets is what it's called.
MADELEINE: (referring to the car-shaped casket on the screen) Wait, that's SMALL! Oh, it's a MODEL.
ME: No, I think it's real.
MADELEINE: But it's so SMALL!

I began to worry she was afraid it was a child-sized casket and would get upset.  When the Cruisin Caskets owner opened the casket to show the interior, I could see that it clearly was adult-body-sized, so I tried to reassure Madeleine.

ME: I mean, *I* could fit in that...
MADELEINE: Yeah, like, if you were like LAYING DOWN...
ME: That's what you do when you're a dead body in a casket.
MADELEINE: Wait, what?  
ME: These are coffins shaped like cars.
MADELEINE: Ohhhhhhhh!  I thought it was a CAR shop!

Madeleine's impeccable powers of observation and ability to process information never cease to amaze me.

Madeleine Pays Attention

Picking the girls up from swim this evening; Madeleine got to the car first.

ME: Do you and Julia want to do a frozen pizza for dinner tonight?
MADELEINE: Uh, sure!
ME: Okay.  We just have to check with Julia that she's okay with that when she gets in the car.
MADELEINE: Okay!

Five minutes later, Julia enters the car.

ME: Julia, do you want to split a frozen pizza with Madeleine tonight?
JULIA: Sure!
ME: Okay, good.  I have to figure out my dinner.  I have nothing for myself yet.
JULIA: Want me to cook you a dinner?
ME: Uh...
JULIA: I know how to saute peppers, and I can make you a quesadilla...with no cheese...
ME: That sounds DELICIOUS!
JULIA: Well you can't have cheese!
ME: I know.  I'll figure something out.  
JULIA: Well you have to have SOMETHING!
ME: I will, don't worry.  If I need to I can make some eggs or something.

Five minutes later:

MADELEINE: (gasping with urgency) OH!  Julia!  Do you want to have a frozen pizza for dinner tonight?
JULIA: Madeleine, we were JUST discussing this!
MADELEINE: We were?  When?

WOW.  When that kid tunes out, she literally blocks out the world.

Onesies

Nobody told me that when my kids were 15 and 12 they would suddenly revert to wearing onesie pajamas around the house again.

Apparently holiday break means not putting on clothes and/or wearing a turtle costume all day long.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It's that time of year again!

Time for either an incessant susurration of sibilance from the backseat of the car, or, better yet, a chattering storyline constantly interrupted with the compulsive blurting out of "Sparklies, yay!"

Tonight's drive home from swim was of the former variety, so that I could hear what sounded almost like incantations of some sort of Harry Potter-esque Parseltongue spell from behind me.  In fact, it was so continuous that even Madeleine herself remarked upon it.

MADELEINE: (with weariness and relief as we turned onto our street) It's just been a RELAY with these sparklies YAY!

Madeleine's other uncontrollable utterance of late has been a slow evolution over the past year.  Let me back up a bit to say that Madeleine seems to have the same touch of very mild OCD tendencies that I had as a child.  Specifically, we both seem to share this feeling that we need to perform some sort of ritual in order to control something in our lives, like keeping our loved ones safe.  I went through a (cringe-inducing embarrasing) period of my childhood in which I had rituals involving the number five, which happened to be the number of people in my immediate family.  The problem was, I was too afraid to tell anyone in my family what I was doing or why, which left them to look at me like I was just a total and utter freakazoid.  For instance, I decided one day that if I could leap over the baby gates (which we had up to keep our dog from going to the upstairs portion of our house, wherein she would always pee in our beds) five times without any part of my body touching the gate, it would secure safety for the five members of our household.  The only problem was, I had to do it five times in succession, and if I touched at all even on attempt #5, I would have to start the whole process all over again.

Which led to my father finally exclaiming in exasperation, as his dunderheaded elementary-school aged daughter was hurdling back and forth ad infinitum over the baby gates, "Courtney, WHAT the hell are you DOING?"

Then there was my need to touch five white things within my house within the period of flushing the toilet before the flushing and hissing sound stopped.  Hence, my family would see me come practically tripping over my pants as I panic-raced out of the bathroom, slapping my hand at seeming random over parts of the walls and furniture in the adjacent room.

A-herm.  Yes.  I wasn't weird as a kid.

So, ANYWAY, Madeleine began something at the very start of the pandemic which was obviously a way for her to feel like she was protecting her family in some small way.

It was always her parting words to me, upon exiting the car if I dropped her somewhere, or leaving the house to go for a run or walk:

MADELEINE: (cheerfully) Safety!

Then it expanded a little.

MADELEINE: (equally cheerfully) Safety to ALL!

Okay, just a minor modification.  By this summer, it was more like this:

MADELEINE: Safety to all!  I always love you all forever!

And now, here's what must be said EVERY morning before she leaves for school or before anyone else leaves the house:

MADELEINE: Safety to ALL!  I always love you all forever with ALL MY HEART!

I can't wait to see what words have been added to the ritualistic good-bye by spring.

The utterance is still mostly cheery, though if she's in a huge rush for the bus it might be something like this:

MADELEINE: (crashing down the stairs, nearly face-planting in her hurry to get out the door) SAFETYTOALLIALWAYSLOVEYOUALLFOREVERWITHALLMYHEART! (door slamming shut.)

Yeah. So. Like mother like daughter, right? 

Music Note Family

 Hello, hello!  It's been awhile!  Happy belated birthday, Lily!

It might have been a year or so, but don't worry, Madeleine hasn't changed all that much.  She's still her wildly imaginative own weird little person!  

Here's the conversation we had after I picked Madeleine up from Wind Ensemble today:

MADELEINE: I feel like music notes are all little characters in a family, like they all have their own personalities. 
ME: Oh, okay,
MADELEINE: Like, so, B is like the nice but kind of boring main character.  And then C is like the really
kind and sweet under-rated character who cares about all the other notes.  And then D used to be really mean and annoying, like D used to be on E's side, but now D is nice.  Like, D had a character arc.  And D is, like, starting to be on C's side and be nice and sweet.  And then E is really mean and annoying, and E is jealous of F for being higher than him, because E wants to be the highest on the staff.  And then F, like, so I sorta picture there being, like, little clubs within the family.  And F was, like, JUST accepted into the "Sophisticated Club," which is, like, the notes above the staff.  And, like, F is trying to fit into that.  And F is pretty nice.  The Sophisticated Club doesn't really have much time for its siblings, because, they're, like, WAY high up.  But they're still really nice.  And G is really nice.  G is part of the Sophisticated Club and is very proud of it.  A is also really nice, and A is like pretty much the same as G, and A helps the club out at all.  And then B, HIGH B, is like the President of the club.  And so, High B wants to get to know its siblings better, because it doesn't know them that well, since it's, like, ALL THE WAY up an octave, but B is also kind of concerned with getting into the clubs in the NEXT scale.

The music note family sounds WAY more complicated than the Rowe family.  But at least we don't have any family members who used to be mean and annoying.  We may be simpler, but we don't have any clubs or side-switching over here in our little 4-person musical quartet!

Toe Drama

Julia, after spending a bunch of time outside on an unseasonably nice day, came to me with anxiety over the state of her pinky toe.

JULIA: Mommy?  Do you think I have frostbite?  My toe is white, and it feels numb.
ME: (taking a look) I don't think you have frostbite.  It does look white; you probably just need to get your circulation going.
JULIA: (panicked) But what should I do?  Does that mean my toe's gonna fall off??
ME: No. Why don't you just fill the bathtub with some warm water and put your foot in to warm up your toe?
JULIA: Will you come WITH me?  
ME: You need me to sit with you in the bathroom?
JULIA: Yeah, I want you there.

As we headed into the bathroom, Julia became increasingly certain that her toe was going to fall off.

JULIA: Can you DIE from frostbite?
ME: I don't think so.
JULIA: But can't your toe snap off?
ME: It would have to turn, like, black and have SEVERE frostbite for that to happen.
MADELEINE: (helpfully running into the bathroom to give us an update from Google) "Frostbite is an injury caused by freezing of the skin and underlying tissues.  First your skin becomes very cold and red, then numb, hard and pale..."
JULIA: (completely freaking out) MY TOE IS HARD AND PALE! I told you I HAVE FROSTBITE!
ME: Honey. Honey.  Just soak your toe in warm water and you'll get your circulation back.

Upon filling the tub with water, Julia began soaking her toe.  The toe went from white to a purplish color. Julia took the color change with serene tranquility.

JULIA: (in sheer, utter panic) MY TOE IS TURNING BLACK! IT'S PURPLISH BLACK! MY TOE IS GONNA FALL OFF!
ME: Oh my God Julia, it's not-
ETHAN: (who had heard Julia's hysterics through his headphones while he was cooking) WHAT is going on?
ME: Julia thinks her toe looks black and it's gonna fall off from frostbite.
ETHAN: (helpfully) Huh, it does look kinda black.
JULIA: (hysterically unintelligible)
ME: Okay. No. Ethan, tell her that her toe's not gonna fall off.
JULIA: (continuing to be hysterically unintelligible)
ME AND ETHAN: Honey, your toe is not gonna fall off from being outside in 55-60 degree weather for an hour!

Julia was initially inconsolable, but eventually calmed down when I pointed out that her toe had turned from purple to normal flesh-colored. Ethan returned to cooking and I reassured Julia.

ME: See? Now it's back to normal.
JULIA: (a bit sheepishly) It's not numb anymore.
ME: Okay, so why don't you drain the tub now and get some warm socks on?
JULIA: Okay. (Inexplicably turning the shower setting on in the still running tub instead of unplugging the drain and turning the water off)
ME: No, that's the show-
JULIA: (getting fully sprayed by a full shower stream in her clothes and standing there helplessly) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
ETHAN: (running back into the bathroom from the kitchen) NOW WHAT IS GOING ON?!?
ME: TURN THE SHOWER OFF JULIA!
JULIA: (frantically scrambling to shut the water off)

Oh my God.  Can you tell we're all a little anxious over here about the rising coronavirus cases and we're becoming a little too easily unhinged?  Deep breaths.  Julia has not, in fact, lost her toe, and is back to having other irrational fears like thinking she has spit cancer because she's blowing too much spit into her flute when she practices.  It's all good.  We're all fine over here!  Nothing to stare at folks!

Is That a Swear?

After Ethan and Madeleine spent hours on the weekend raking the leaves in our backyard, our town had the most colossal leaf dump I've ever seen in a 24 hour period.  Every yard and even some streets were covered in a massive blanket of oak leaves.  It happened to be the day before Veterans Day that this leaf-fall occurred, so Madeleine discovered our oaken lawn on the no-school day following.

MADELEINE: (peering out the back door to the lawn) Jesus Christ, didn't we JUST rake all those leaves?
ETHAN: I know it.  (pausing for a moment) Did you just say "Jesus Christ?"
MADELEINE: Yeah.  Why? (dread slowly coming over her face) Is that a swear?
ME: Well, it's considered sort of a swear when you use it like that, because you're "taking the Lord's name
in vain."
MADELEINE: (standing in silence with an increasing look of angst and embarrassment on her face)
ME: It's okay, honey.
MADELEINE: (in utter despair) No it's NOT!
ETHAN: You didn't know.
ME: And even if you did, it's not the end of the world.  
MADELEINE: I'm BAD!

Despite our protests to the contrary, Madeleine was driven by shame and humiliation to her bedroom, wherein she hid under her blanket to punish herself for her unforgivable crimes.  I attempted to talk her down and finally got her to come out of her room and eat snack, but unfortunately she decided to join the table as Cousin It from the Addams Family:

Madeleine was the only one who found the situation appalling.  Ethan and I helpfully couldn't stop breaking into laughter over the fact that the child who "mreer!"s over words like "fool" and "dumb" outright exclaimed "Jesus Christ!" over the backyard leaves.  

Cousin It remained with us for quite awhile, but I'm pleased to report that Madeleine has completed her self-inflicted penance and has deemed herself henceforth acceptable to return to society.

Falling Things

MADELEINE: (excitedly) I'm gonna have LETTER crackers! (reaching for the container of letter crackers and somehow knocking it off the counter.)  
JULIA: Pick it up! Hurry!
MADELEINE: (standing in shock, looking at the brand-new, now empty container on the ground and the kitchen floor strewn with letter crackers everywhere.)

And because there's not germs EVERYWHERE right now, I wisely recommended Madeleine just pick up all the crackers and put them back in the container and proceed to eat them.  Let's not waste a brand new, full container of snacks, girls.

Later on, Julia and I were recording a flute duet we've been working on, and we had our own falling object to distract us.  Watch the video closely, and you will see the piano lamp in the background suddenly fall off the piano, as if a phantom had just knocked into it.

So, we're eating dirty kitchen floor letter crackers and ignoring the hijinks of our very own Phantom of the Opera over here, just like any normal old day.

Renaissance

JULIA: I feel like it would either be really cool or really terrifying to see life in the Renaissance.
ME: Probably both.
JULIA: Yeah. 'Cause there'd be, like, armor, and...
ME: And plague...
JULIA: Yeah, and plague, but there would also be CASTLES.
ME: Right.
JULIA: Were there REALLY jokers?
ME: ...You mean jesters?
JULIA: Oh!  Yeah.  Were there really jesters?
ME: Yeah, I think so, I think they were a part of the King's court.

                                                                                Joker

Discussing Trump

 Discussing Trump, in which Madeleine is totally with the program.

JULIA: Isn't Donald Trump's last name really Drumpf?
ETHAN: Yes.  Drumpf is German.
JULIA: (mock gasp) He's German?  He's not even AMERICAN!
ME: Well, his Dad was from Germany, for real.  But Trump was born here.
ETHAN: And even if he was born in Germany, if you get citizenship, you're a real American.
JULIA: I know, I was-
ME: I know.  You were saying that because Trump is so anti-immigrant.  
JULIA: Right.
ME: I think European immigrants are okay by him.  He just doesn't want immigrants from Mexico. After all, his wife is Eastern European.
ETHAN: She got her citizenship suspiciously fast, though.
ME: She got a "genius grant." For her modeling. 
JULIA: She's not even pretty, though.  She looks like a CAT.
MADELEINE: (who has been sitting around the table with us this WHOLE TIME) Who looks like a cat?
JULIA: Melania Trump.
MADELEINE: Oh!  I thought you were talking about ELSA.

Yes, that's right.  This whole time we were not talking about the #1 pressing subject on our minds (for once, the election has slightly edged out the usual #1 subject of COVID-19), but about the characters from "Frozen."

BLM Article

 MADELEINE: (showing me an online headline over a photo of two people) Mommy!  This couple lived in a town called "Trump Country," and they got EVICTED from their apartment because they had a "Black Lives Matter" sign.  Isn't that TERRIBLE?

Well, you know how it is in the town of Trump Country.  

I explained to her what the term "Trump Country" means, which gave her more clarity on the whole story.  I guess at first she just thought: a) it's weird that Trump already has a town named after him after only 4 years as President, and b) How ironic that the town of "Trump Country" turned out to be as racist as Trump himself!

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween from these Rebel Girls!

We made it only until 6pm because it was so cold, but hey, we weren't even sure if Halloween was gonna happen at all!

Hope you all had a fun and safe evening!

Leaping Crystal

 I walked into the dining room to find this on the table:

ME: Someone decided to paint a rock?
JULIA: Madeleine did.
ME: Okay. Why?
JULIA: (laughing) She wanted to make a Leaping Crystal like in "Keeper of the Lost Cities."

Of course she did.  Who *doesn't* spend their Sunday morning painting rocks?

The Scent of Hair

Last night: 

JULIA: (giving me a hug, then sniffing my hair) Your hair smells like DISNEY WORLD!

This morning:

MADELEINE: (smelling my hair) It smells like PRESCHOOL.

Those are two totally normal descriptions for what hair can smell like, right?

Creative Doings

 So, the latest thing that the girls are into doing is creating fake Instagram accounts for fictional characters.  Not only have they made accounts for the characters in Shannon Messenger's "Keeper of the Lost Cities" series, they have made American Girl doll accounts, and OF COURSE accounts for the characters in Madeleine's own "Timeline Barrier" series.

Curious to know what the "Timeline Barrier" folks post about?  Take a look at Silareah's Instagram page and one of her recent posts:

Madeleine and Julia spend hours doing this sort of thing.  For instance, this afternoon:

JULIA: Hey Madeleine, wanna go outside and make more Instagram posts for the "Keeper of the Lost Cities" characters?
MADELEINE: (delighted) Yeah! I'll be right there!

Instagram pages aren't the only things the girls are creating on the subject of "Keeper of the Lost Cities."  They have both been busy writing fan fiction about the characters, and Julia's piece de resistance is her merging of the movie "O Brother Where Art Thou" and the "Keeper" series, writing a fan fiction piece with a parody of the song "Man of Constant Sorrow" from "O Brother," sung by "Keeper" characters. Curious?  Take a look for yourself: (and somehow Madeleine appears as a character in the "Keeper" world, so there's that too...)

Keefe took a deep breath, then started to sing to the tune of “Man of Constant Sorrow” by the Soggy Bottom Boys. Madeleine played the flute and Ro stomped in the background, because they were feeling a little extra.

“I am a teen deep in love! 

I’ve crushed on you all my days!

I bid farewell to Alluveterre, the place where I first crushed on you!”

“The place where heeeee first crushed on you!” Madeleine and Ro chimed in.

Sophie’s eyes were wide. Keefe’s palms started to sweat, but he knew this was the only way he could convince Sophie that they were right for each other.

“I felt your heart emotions! 

You’ve loved meeee for years and years!

You only like Fitz for his looks!

But he treats you like a piece of poop!”

“He treats you like a piece of poop!” sang the accompanying girls.

“And I will treat you well!

I’ll always be here to comfort you!

We are so right for each other!
I hope you’ll love me like I love you!”

“He hopes you’ll love him like he loves you!” Ro and Madeleine sang

At least I know that the pandemic hasn't dulled my girls' creativity in the least!

The Ritual Hiding of Earl Carries On

Madeleine takes the cake when it comes to her most recent Earl hiding spot:

Nestled among Julia's American Girl doll collection, Earl appears to be emitting a ghastly rasping cry from his skeletal face, as the dolls sit by in wholesome innocence. Luckily Julia spotted him before actually settling into her bed for the night, or else a glimpse towards her open closet might have scared the daylights out of her!

New Routine

As if Madeleine's good-bye/good-night routine couldn't get any more ridiculous, there is now a new element to the whole ritual that she has added, even typing it in text messages.

To back up a moment, here is her FORMER routine, when saying good-night to us, or saying good-bye as we are leaving or she's being dropped off somewhere.

MADELEINE: I love you! (blowing an air kiss) So muchy moo! (blowing air kiss). (Blowing a kiss from one palm towards us.) (Blowing a kiss from the other palm towards us.) (Waving at us with both hands while smiling at us.) (Leaving.)

So now it's this:

MADELEINE: I love you! (blowing an air kiss) So muchy moo! (blowing air kiss). (Blowing a kiss from one palm towards us.) (Blowing a kiss from the other palm towards us.) (Waving at us with both hands while smiling at us.)  SAFETY!! (Leaving.)

The addition of "SAFETY!" seems to correlate with the fact that COVID numbers have been on the rise in our area.  Apparently cheerfully announcing "SAFETY!" at us will keep us safe, despite the fact that if Madeleine actually had COVID, blowing air from her mouth towards us would probably infect us as well.

Happy Birthday, Madeleine!

 Happy, happy birthday to this unique, loving, warm, creative human being!:

We had pancakes to celebrate this morning, before the girls headed off to their second day of in-person school (before being back to remote learning next week, while the opposite cohort of kids go in person.) Madeleine was showered with gifts, including a Pop Socket for her cell phone from Julia.  

Cell phones.  Eleven year-olds.  How did my kids get so big?!?

So, in some well-known-to-the-Rowes classic Madeleine lingo,  here's a birthday message:

Hearts to you!  I love you! (blowing a kiss) So muchy moo! (blowing another kiss.)

Happy birthday, Madeleine!

2020

MADELEINE: People don't even need to SWEAR anymore.  They can just be like, "What the 2020?!"

I couldn't agree more on how nefarious the term 2020 feels.

And speaking of swearing, Ethan and I have been sharing a beloved tv show with the girls, "Schitt's Creek." The kids are loving it so far, but have trouble referring to the show because for some reason they can't allow themselves to say the title, even though it's a person's name, not the word "shit."

Madeleine has, surprisingly, FINALLY come around to calling the show by its title instead of "Mreer Creek."  Julia, however, can only refer to it as "Sk-a-hitt's Creek" so as to avoid even SOUNDING like she's saying "shit."  Interesting that both girls can refer to a beaver dam without finding creative ways to avoid saying a word that sounds like "damn." 

Maybe we can clear things up by deciding that "shit" ONLY means "Schitt" and from now on when someone really means "shit" they'll just say 2020.

The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance

So, Netflix cancelled Madeleine's favorite tv series, "The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance" after one season.

This leaves things on quite a cliffhanger for the hordes of you following the adventures of Deet, Rian, Brea and the rest, but guys: DON'T WORRY.  Madeleine is already writing the next season herself.  Taking matters into her own hands like a brave Gelfling, she's got us covered and we can breathe easy knowing we'll get some resolution to the arcs of our favorite characters.  WHEW!