Take a Deep Breath

So, plans went awry this evening when the dinner I had left for Julia fell through and she JUST.  COULDN'T.  COPE.  Julia gets a ride home from Honors Band at the same time that I'm dropping Madeleine off at swim team, so I always leave a dinner for her and she calls me once she's home to let me know she's safely in the house.  I had left her a quesadilla for dinner and a note saying there was salad in the fridge.  Unfortunately, our house cleaner, who mentioned to me that she cleaned out our fridge today, must have thrown the partially-used bag of salad away, and that set a catastrophe in motion for Julia.  She called me, per usual, and things just kind of fell apart from there.

ME: Hey, Jules.
JULIA: There's no salad!
ME: There isn't?  None in the fridge?
JULIA: No.
ME: Okay, shoot.  Well, why don't you wash a pepper and cut it up?  You can have that for a veggie instead.
JULIA: But I don't know HOW to cut a pepper!
ME: Well, do you want to try cutting it yourself, or do you want to wait until I get home?
JULIA: But if I wait 'til you get home, I'll get a CRAMP!
ME: I don't think you will.  I'll be home within the half hour.
JULIA: No, I have to have it sooner than that!
ME: Do you want me to stay on the phone with you while you try cutting it?
JULIA: (grudging silence)
ME: (waiting patiently)
JULIA: Which KNIFE do I use?
ME: Okay, if you look at the knife block, you can use one of the knives on the bottom-most part of the block.  Those are steak knives.
JULIA: The SHORT ones?
ME: They should be a regular length.  Sometimes someone puts the short-bladed ones in there, so if you find one of those, put it back and try the one next to it.
JULIA: But you mean the WEIRD-LOOKING ONES?
ME: The ones with the serrated edges.  The kind of bumpy edges.
JULIA: The short, WEIRD-LOOKING ONES?
ME: What do you mean, weird-looking?
JULIA: Like, the teeny tiny ones!
ME: You should have one with a regular sized blade with bumpy edges.
JULIA: You mean the LITTLE, WEIRD-LOOKING ONES?
ME: Okay.  Describe the knife to me.
JULIA: I can't.
ME: Is it a really short blade, or a regular sized one?
JULIA: It's really small and skinny with bumpy edges.
ME: Okay.  I don't know why it looks small to you, but that sounds like the right knife.
JULIA: How do I even CUT a pepper?
ME: Do you have a plate to cut it on?
JULIA: Hang on.  (clanging around the cupboard) Okay.
ME: So, before you cut it, try to visualize the center of the pepper, because that's where the seed pod is.  So you want to cut off a slice from the side.
JULIA: I can't do it!  It didn't work!
ME: So, you want to-
JULIA: (on the verge of tears) I cut it in HALF by mistake!
ME: Okay.  So, you just want to get the seeds out now.
JULIA: But I can't do it!  It won't work!
ME: Do you see the seeds?
JULIA: Yes.
ME: So, you want to-
JULIA: (wailing with tears) I did it ALL WRONG!  I can't have a vegetable now!  This was the LAST PEPPER!
ME: Okay.  So you cut it in half?  Is it in two pieces?
JULIA: I can't do iiiiiiit!
ME: Then why don't you just wait until I get home and I'll do it for you.
JULIA: It will be too LATE by the time you get home!
ME: Honey, you don't have swim for another hour.  You have plenty of time.
JULIA: No, I don't, because if you're gonna be home in a half hour, it will be a half hour until swim, and I need to get READY for swim!
ME: I'll be home WITHIN a half hour.  Probably in about 15 minutes.
JULIA: That's too LAAAAAATE!  It takes me like TWENTY MINUTES to eat peppers!
ME: (taking a big, meditative breath) Okay.  What would you like to do?
JULIA: I caaaaaaan't cut it!  I cut it in HAAAAAALF!
ME: So it's in two pieces?
JULIA: I don't know how to describe it!
ME: (with as much patience as I can muster) Okay.  So, tell me what the pepper is like right now.  Is it in two pieces, or is it in one piece with part of it hanging off, or did you cut a piece all the way off?
JULIA: I don't know how to describe it!
ME: (taking a deep breath) Okay.  Do you want to wait until I come home?
JULIA: It's in TWO BIG HUNKS!
ME: Okay.  So what you want to do is cut a piece off of one of the hunks, to start with.
JULIA: I can't!  The hunks are too big!  I have NO IDEA HOW TO DO THIS!
ME: (taking another deep breath) What would you like to do?
JULIA: I'll just have NO vegetable tonight!
ME: Do you want to wait until I get home?
JULIA: No!  THERE'S NOT ENOUGH TIME!
ME: Okay.  I'm going to be leaving the Y in about two minutes, if you want to wait for me.
JULIA: I can't cut this!  It's TOO HARD!
ME: (breathing deeply and summoning all my patience) What would you like to do?
JULIA: (grumpily) Wait for you to cut it for me when you get home.
ME: (releasing my breath) Okay.  Well, I'll see you soon.


OMG.  That was a RIDICULOUS amount of emotion and energy wasted over a bleeping pepper.  I guess my kid is old enough to be home alone for 15 minutes but clearly not old enough to handle the emotional trauma of attempting to cut up a vegetable.