How To

We've been watching the HBO show "How To With John Wilson" as a family lately, and the episode we watched this evening was "How to Find a Parking Spot."  After comparing the need to secure an on-street parking spot for one's car to the need to have a burial plot purchased for one's body, John Wilson interviews various funeral home owners.  This takes him to a company called "Cruisin Caskets," which specializes in coffins shaped like cars.

MADELEINE: (referring to the brochure John Wilson picks up) Wait, what does that say?
ME: Car Caskets, I think...it's caskets shaped like cars.
OWNER OF BUSINESS: (on the tv) So this is Cruisin Caskets...
ME: Oh, Cruisin Caskets is what it's called.
MADELEINE: (referring to the car-shaped casket on the screen) Wait, that's SMALL! Oh, it's a MODEL.
ME: No, I think it's real.
MADELEINE: But it's so SMALL!

I began to worry she was afraid it was a child-sized casket and would get upset.  When the Cruisin Caskets owner opened the casket to show the interior, I could see that it clearly was adult-body-sized, so I tried to reassure Madeleine.

ME: I mean, *I* could fit in that...
MADELEINE: Yeah, like, if you were like LAYING DOWN...
ME: That's what you do when you're a dead body in a casket.
MADELEINE: Wait, what?  
ME: These are coffins shaped like cars.
MADELEINE: Ohhhhhhhh!  I thought it was a CAR shop!

Madeleine's impeccable powers of observation and ability to process information never cease to amaze me.

Madeleine Pays Attention

Picking the girls up from swim this evening; Madeleine got to the car first.

ME: Do you and Julia want to do a frozen pizza for dinner tonight?
MADELEINE: Uh, sure!
ME: Okay.  We just have to check with Julia that she's okay with that when she gets in the car.
MADELEINE: Okay!

Five minutes later, Julia enters the car.

ME: Julia, do you want to split a frozen pizza with Madeleine tonight?
JULIA: Sure!
ME: Okay, good.  I have to figure out my dinner.  I have nothing for myself yet.
JULIA: Want me to cook you a dinner?
ME: Uh...
JULIA: I know how to saute peppers, and I can make you a quesadilla...with no cheese...
ME: That sounds DELICIOUS!
JULIA: Well you can't have cheese!
ME: I know.  I'll figure something out.  
JULIA: Well you have to have SOMETHING!
ME: I will, don't worry.  If I need to I can make some eggs or something.

Five minutes later:

MADELEINE: (gasping with urgency) OH!  Julia!  Do you want to have a frozen pizza for dinner tonight?
JULIA: Madeleine, we were JUST discussing this!
MADELEINE: We were?  When?

WOW.  When that kid tunes out, she literally blocks out the world.

Onesies

Nobody told me that when my kids were 15 and 12 they would suddenly revert to wearing onesie pajamas around the house again.

Apparently holiday break means not putting on clothes and/or wearing a turtle costume all day long.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It's that time of year again!

Time for either an incessant susurration of sibilance from the backseat of the car, or, better yet, a chattering storyline constantly interrupted with the compulsive blurting out of "Sparklies, yay!"

Tonight's drive home from swim was of the former variety, so that I could hear what sounded almost like incantations of some sort of Harry Potter-esque Parseltongue spell from behind me.  In fact, it was so continuous that even Madeleine herself remarked upon it.

MADELEINE: (with weariness and relief as we turned onto our street) It's just been a RELAY with these sparklies YAY!

Madeleine's other uncontrollable utterance of late has been a slow evolution over the past year.  Let me back up a bit to say that Madeleine seems to have the same touch of very mild OCD tendencies that I had as a child.  Specifically, we both seem to share this feeling that we need to perform some sort of ritual in order to control something in our lives, like keeping our loved ones safe.  I went through a (cringe-inducing embarrasing) period of my childhood in which I had rituals involving the number five, which happened to be the number of people in my immediate family.  The problem was, I was too afraid to tell anyone in my family what I was doing or why, which left them to look at me like I was just a total and utter freakazoid.  For instance, I decided one day that if I could leap over the baby gates (which we had up to keep our dog from going to the upstairs portion of our house, wherein she would always pee in our beds) five times without any part of my body touching the gate, it would secure safety for the five members of our household.  The only problem was, I had to do it five times in succession, and if I touched at all even on attempt #5, I would have to start the whole process all over again.

Which led to my father finally exclaiming in exasperation, as his dunderheaded elementary-school aged daughter was hurdling back and forth ad infinitum over the baby gates, "Courtney, WHAT the hell are you DOING?"

Then there was my need to touch five white things within my house within the period of flushing the toilet before the flushing and hissing sound stopped.  Hence, my family would see me come practically tripping over my pants as I panic-raced out of the bathroom, slapping my hand at seeming random over parts of the walls and furniture in the adjacent room.

A-herm.  Yes.  I wasn't weird as a kid.

So, ANYWAY, Madeleine began something at the very start of the pandemic which was obviously a way for her to feel like she was protecting her family in some small way.

It was always her parting words to me, upon exiting the car if I dropped her somewhere, or leaving the house to go for a run or walk:

MADELEINE: (cheerfully) Safety!

Then it expanded a little.

MADELEINE: (equally cheerfully) Safety to ALL!

Okay, just a minor modification.  By this summer, it was more like this:

MADELEINE: Safety to all!  I always love you all forever!

And now, here's what must be said EVERY morning before she leaves for school or before anyone else leaves the house:

MADELEINE: Safety to ALL!  I always love you all forever with ALL MY HEART!

I can't wait to see what words have been added to the ritualistic good-bye by spring.

The utterance is still mostly cheery, though if she's in a huge rush for the bus it might be something like this:

MADELEINE: (crashing down the stairs, nearly face-planting in her hurry to get out the door) SAFETYTOALLIALWAYSLOVEYOUALLFOREVERWITHALLMYHEART! (door slamming shut.)

Yeah. So. Like mother like daughter, right? 

Music Note Family

 Hello, hello!  It's been awhile!  Happy belated birthday, Lily!

It might have been a year or so, but don't worry, Madeleine hasn't changed all that much.  She's still her wildly imaginative own weird little person!  

Here's the conversation we had after I picked Madeleine up from Wind Ensemble today:

MADELEINE: I feel like music notes are all little characters in a family, like they all have their own personalities. 
ME: Oh, okay,
MADELEINE: Like, so, B is like the nice but kind of boring main character.  And then C is like the really
kind and sweet under-rated character who cares about all the other notes.  And then D used to be really mean and annoying, like D used to be on E's side, but now D is nice.  Like, D had a character arc.  And D is, like, starting to be on C's side and be nice and sweet.  And then E is really mean and annoying, and E is jealous of F for being higher than him, because E wants to be the highest on the staff.  And then F, like, so I sorta picture there being, like, little clubs within the family.  And F was, like, JUST accepted into the "Sophisticated Club," which is, like, the notes above the staff.  And, like, F is trying to fit into that.  And F is pretty nice.  The Sophisticated Club doesn't really have much time for its siblings, because, they're, like, WAY high up.  But they're still really nice.  And G is really nice.  G is part of the Sophisticated Club and is very proud of it.  A is also really nice, and A is like pretty much the same as G, and A helps the club out at all.  And then B, HIGH B, is like the President of the club.  And so, High B wants to get to know its siblings better, because it doesn't know them that well, since it's, like, ALL THE WAY up an octave, but B is also kind of concerned with getting into the clubs in the NEXT scale.

The music note family sounds WAY more complicated than the Rowe family.  But at least we don't have any family members who used to be mean and annoying.  We may be simpler, but we don't have any clubs or side-switching over here in our little 4-person musical quartet!

Toe Drama

Julia, after spending a bunch of time outside on an unseasonably nice day, came to me with anxiety over the state of her pinky toe.

JULIA: Mommy?  Do you think I have frostbite?  My toe is white, and it feels numb.
ME: (taking a look) I don't think you have frostbite.  It does look white; you probably just need to get your circulation going.
JULIA: (panicked) But what should I do?  Does that mean my toe's gonna fall off??
ME: No. Why don't you just fill the bathtub with some warm water and put your foot in to warm up your toe?
JULIA: Will you come WITH me?  
ME: You need me to sit with you in the bathroom?
JULIA: Yeah, I want you there.

As we headed into the bathroom, Julia became increasingly certain that her toe was going to fall off.

JULIA: Can you DIE from frostbite?
ME: I don't think so.
JULIA: But can't your toe snap off?
ME: It would have to turn, like, black and have SEVERE frostbite for that to happen.
MADELEINE: (helpfully running into the bathroom to give us an update from Google) "Frostbite is an injury caused by freezing of the skin and underlying tissues.  First your skin becomes very cold and red, then numb, hard and pale..."
JULIA: (completely freaking out) MY TOE IS HARD AND PALE! I told you I HAVE FROSTBITE!
ME: Honey. Honey.  Just soak your toe in warm water and you'll get your circulation back.

Upon filling the tub with water, Julia began soaking her toe.  The toe went from white to a purplish color. Julia took the color change with serene tranquility.

JULIA: (in sheer, utter panic) MY TOE IS TURNING BLACK! IT'S PURPLISH BLACK! MY TOE IS GONNA FALL OFF!
ME: Oh my God Julia, it's not-
ETHAN: (who had heard Julia's hysterics through his headphones while he was cooking) WHAT is going on?
ME: Julia thinks her toe looks black and it's gonna fall off from frostbite.
ETHAN: (helpfully) Huh, it does look kinda black.
JULIA: (hysterically unintelligible)
ME: Okay. No. Ethan, tell her that her toe's not gonna fall off.
JULIA: (continuing to be hysterically unintelligible)
ME AND ETHAN: Honey, your toe is not gonna fall off from being outside in 55-60 degree weather for an hour!

Julia was initially inconsolable, but eventually calmed down when I pointed out that her toe had turned from purple to normal flesh-colored. Ethan returned to cooking and I reassured Julia.

ME: See? Now it's back to normal.
JULIA: (a bit sheepishly) It's not numb anymore.
ME: Okay, so why don't you drain the tub now and get some warm socks on?
JULIA: Okay. (Inexplicably turning the shower setting on in the still running tub instead of unplugging the drain and turning the water off)
ME: No, that's the show-
JULIA: (getting fully sprayed by a full shower stream in her clothes and standing there helplessly) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
ETHAN: (running back into the bathroom from the kitchen) NOW WHAT IS GOING ON?!?
ME: TURN THE SHOWER OFF JULIA!
JULIA: (frantically scrambling to shut the water off)

Oh my God.  Can you tell we're all a little anxious over here about the rising coronavirus cases and we're becoming a little too easily unhinged?  Deep breaths.  Julia has not, in fact, lost her toe, and is back to having other irrational fears like thinking she has spit cancer because she's blowing too much spit into her flute when she practices.  It's all good.  We're all fine over here!  Nothing to stare at folks!

Is That a Swear?

After Ethan and Madeleine spent hours on the weekend raking the leaves in our backyard, our town had the most colossal leaf dump I've ever seen in a 24 hour period.  Every yard and even some streets were covered in a massive blanket of oak leaves.  It happened to be the day before Veterans Day that this leaf-fall occurred, so Madeleine discovered our oaken lawn on the no-school day following.

MADELEINE: (peering out the back door to the lawn) Jesus Christ, didn't we JUST rake all those leaves?
ETHAN: I know it.  (pausing for a moment) Did you just say "Jesus Christ?"
MADELEINE: Yeah.  Why? (dread slowly coming over her face) Is that a swear?
ME: Well, it's considered sort of a swear when you use it like that, because you're "taking the Lord's name
in vain."
MADELEINE: (standing in silence with an increasing look of angst and embarrassment on her face)
ME: It's okay, honey.
MADELEINE: (in utter despair) No it's NOT!
ETHAN: You didn't know.
ME: And even if you did, it's not the end of the world.  
MADELEINE: I'm BAD!

Despite our protests to the contrary, Madeleine was driven by shame and humiliation to her bedroom, wherein she hid under her blanket to punish herself for her unforgivable crimes.  I attempted to talk her down and finally got her to come out of her room and eat snack, but unfortunately she decided to join the table as Cousin It from the Addams Family:

Madeleine was the only one who found the situation appalling.  Ethan and I helpfully couldn't stop breaking into laughter over the fact that the child who "mreer!"s over words like "fool" and "dumb" outright exclaimed "Jesus Christ!" over the backyard leaves.  

Cousin It remained with us for quite awhile, but I'm pleased to report that Madeleine has completed her self-inflicted penance and has deemed herself henceforth acceptable to return to society.